I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
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