overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
