When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
