Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
