I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Randomize
