he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
