The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
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