Fuck appropriateness.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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