THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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