yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
