I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I am naked and annoyed.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
