he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
