Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I lost the right to judge tonight
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
