is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
