Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
