Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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