so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
