You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
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