barbara walters just said penis...
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Randomize
