I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
