these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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