So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Randomize
