I want to make a zoo with you.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
