I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
