Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
