did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
