He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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