Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
