'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
