i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
