If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
