please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
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Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
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Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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