I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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