It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
