my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
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So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
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Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
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