Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Randomize
