Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
