matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
