My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Randomize
