i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Randomize
