Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
