I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
