my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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