Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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