i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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