allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
