Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize
