I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
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