SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
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