Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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