I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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