I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
