Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Randomize
