So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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