my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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