please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
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