I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
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I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
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i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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