At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
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