She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
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