does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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