No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize