Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
