Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Someone signed my nipple.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
