I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I understand Curling. That high.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
